Oh my, those last 4 posts were quite discouraging. This religion tears apart families. I think I'm the first woman to contribute here, and I just want to tell you what to say through my perspective.
Assure her you love her and you want to stay strong together and she is the only one for you. She might be somewhat insecure about that, because you are an attractive man. Also assure her you do not want to be the master of her faith, that is up to her. If she started seeing things your way eventually, that would be fantastic, but you won't push her and you will let her decide on her own, but no matter what you will be by her side. Let her know that even though you have decided you don't believe in any of it, you are still a moral person and you're going to be a faithful husband. Let her know you know how hard this is for her, and you are the one who changed, and it's not what she was expecting when she married you. But remind her you married for love, and that has not changed.
^^ This! ^^
freemindfade, I'm so sorry you are having such a painful struggle. You have had lots of good input from others who are or have been in your shoes. Each situation is different, because we are all different people and because relationships are so very tricky.
Like, FayeDunaway, I'm a woman, so I haven't been in your shoes, but I have been in your wife's shoes. My husband faded from the organization before the Internet. He didn't know what fading was, he just did it. At the time we had a toddler and an infant. We were both raised-in from early childhood and had promised before marriage to raise our children together "in the Truth". I felt betrayed. I felt like he had dumped a huge weight of responsibility on my shoulders, and I was resentful.
Mr. Sail Away didn't really talk a lot about why he left the organization. I knew he had been at Bethel just after 1975, that his former Bethel roommate had been involved with some group of dissenters there and that Mr. Sail Away didn't believe the "This generation" doctrine. He said everything was predicated on only one scripture, and he thought there should, in effect, be "two or more witnesses" to a matter of such importance. I believed that Jehovah would clear matters up in time. The C.O. told me to view him and treat him like an unbelieving mate, so that is what I did. Years later Mr. Sail Away did disclose that he didn't believe in the ransom. I believed that he was an "apostate" and had "sinned against the Holy Spirit", but I never believed that I had a scriptural reason to divorce him for his belief or lack of belief as long as he didn't oppose me.
I regret that Mr. Sail Away didn't feel he could talk openly with me. I was an uber-dub to be sure. I believed my children's lives were at stake and that it was my job to protect them. Over the years, Mr. Sail Away would make some mention of how Science and JW/Bible teachings just didn't agree. That was important to him. It was not a topic I, even to this day, am interested in researching. He didn't learn TTATT until I walked away over 30 years after he faded!
I have been out four years now, and the shoe is on the other foot in many ways. Because I dove head first into the TTATT, I started wanting changes in our relationship before he was ready. He told me his attitude all along had been that "the Truth" was pretty much benign, so he had no problem with my raising our kids that way. He just went about his life, building a business and studying Science and Computer Technology.
As we got older we got back to a common interest which has always been sailing. I am certain that having extended periods of time away from meetings (indoctrination) while sailing played a huge role in my waking up. Mr. Sail Away is absolutely a loyal husband, a good man, father and provider. He just wan't the type to talk about his feelings. There was definitely a painful disconnect in or marriage.
When I finally woke up and walked away from the organization (I didn't know about fading yet either!), things got worse before they got better. I started researching TTATT about four months after I left. I was soon done with the "headship principle" and wanted a more equal relationship. It now became my intent to get him to see things my way. It was pretty rough going for a while, but I figured he put up with my JW ways for all those years, so it was my turn to do the same. In the meantime, I got into therapy for myself and learned assertiveness and communication skills that I was sorely lacking after being a submissive JW wife for over 35 years (Mr. Sail Away would tell you that I was never really all that submissive!)
I feel like this post is a little all over the map, but I hope you can see that I'm saying that if you and Mrs. FMF love each other, are committed to each other and are forgiving, I think you have a chance. You will both say and do things that will hurt the other. You have an advantage over Mr. Sail Away though, you know TTATT now.
Even though I had doctrinal issues decades ago, my severe cognitive dissonance always revolved around how other people, marriages and families where being hurt by JW doctrine. Cognitive dissonance is a bizarre thing. I still don't understand why I hung on so long. It took some really traumatic events for me to walk away. I never wanted to live in a paradise earth without my family. When it became imminently clear that my husband and both of my children were never coming back "to Jehovah", I chose them. I decided that the twenty or so years I had left here on this planet with them would be so much better than eternity alone without them. I was absolutely right.
freemindfade, do you know what Mrs. FMF's most pressing inner conflicts might be? Can you find out through some open and honest discussion and disclosure on your part? As a woman, all those years, what I wanted most was to connect with my husband. We are still working on that, but at least there isn't a huge elephant in the room any more.
Wishing you both all the best,
Sail Away
